Uncategorised

There isn’t much to say here. I’m already aware that things listed here can sound like juvenile annoyances to some people who will only respond with “but that’s normal”, or “all you have to do is x…”, but all of these happening concurrently isn’t something that a person ever should go through. It has been an obsessive thought all of last year and all of this year, and the mental strain required to exist is not worth it in any stretch of the imagination. I am beyond surprised at myself for surviving this long. There is a countless list of invisible aberrations, mostly psychologically, making this a hellscape to exist in. I have used this site as a personal diary for a few months and most of the old posts should be public by now. Explaining this to anyone in real life is impossible for me. I don’t want to be selfish, but none of my issues will magically disappear or become mitigated even partially no matter which route I take to try. All of this year was an attempt to better my mental state. With that said, COVID has not affected it; in fact it has enhanced it with masks.

As neutrally as I can convey it, I am beyond help. I was in the middle of an attempt during February, but didn’t go though with it due to fear of survival and fear of consequences of the household without me. I decided to give the rest of this year a go, but never necessarily planned to see 2021. Within the past few months, I’ve taken solace in the fact that my existence will be wiped away and I will no longer run into endless conflict, either internally with myself, or externally with others. Being able to help people, spend money, give away your valuables, with no lasting consequences.

It’s been such a peaceful feeling to be free in that aspect.

Though, I’ve already let myself go in regards to everything else. My dental status is unremarkable and I’ve stopped taking medication entirely. I stopped concerning myself with anything and everything that used to define me. No updates to an unfinished four year old game since 2018. Zero progress in school. Zero progress towards fixing myself. Zero progress towards fixing my family. Minimal progress towards learning other languages like Japanese and Spanish. I still try at my job, as ridiculous as it is. But my performance there certainly isn’t what it was back in 2017 when I only half-jokingly considered myself to be responsible enough to become the store manager. While I certainly still try, my actual performance has dropped to meme levels and I’ve lost the work ethic I thought would always be a part of me. In many ways, I’m no longer unique when it comes to intellect, ethics, and intelligence. In these ways, I’m blending in with everyone else, and this scares me in its own right. I would be the one checking others’ logic; now people are checking mine.
Constantly.
In positions where I was a moderator, I’m now the one being moderated.
That alone is a excruciatingly large sign that I have started to regress. It would be different if it were one or two people. But I’m starting to see myself lack the most basic comprehension and critical thinking skills.
For context, even the most basic mental math is starting to elude me, and I can rarely read the checkout totals at the cash register without having to stare at the number for a few seconds.

I know that there are a large number of my friends who need people to accompany them. I know my mom needs help. This is what I stayed for. But forcing myself to live through this was already an emotional and spiritual suicide. I’ve even tried to open up to some people, and I’ve felt something even more intense than idiotic for even attempting to minutes later. That alone isn’t something that I can brush away. My own thoughts cause me to curl up in pain and I’ve noticed myself actively hiding and avoiding interaction while even working. My breaks are in the dark empty computer room and I stay hidden in the supply closet while waves of people clock in to work until they’re gone. It’s so fucking ridiculous.

I’m not going to put the list of reasons behind what fueled this feeling here; a majority of them should be apparent in previous posts. But there, I also didn’t mention the immense guilt I have for feeling and being this way, and how I will not being there for the people who have opened up to me – both with friends and family. With everything, that has been the single thing eating me up. I’ve tried, with a rational mind, everything I am capable of to stop myself. And I’ve found less and less reason to continue to self-preserve while constantly mentally deteriorating. Endless thoughts that cause uncontrolled physical reactions. Screaming and speaking in response to my own thoughts, in a panic. I’ve lost a large number of people for similar causes in less than two years. I’ve lost the logician that I prided myself for being long ago. It’s certainly a case where I fully cannot recognise myself in my own head. With everything, and with as neutral a tone and no exaggeration, it would be a lie to say I haven’t wished for a bullet to pierce my skull nearly every individual day for the past year. I apologise, but please consider that I’ve been taking it in baby steps, and February to November is a large chunk of time to wade through, which I consider an accomplishment. That’s what they say, right? One day at a time?

A different version of you exists within every person connected to you. This has been a recurring theme in my head for the past couple of years. The version of me in my friend’s head is different from the version of me in my coworker’s head. To one person, I am a germaphobe and a health freak. To the other, I’m a slob and highly ignorant about my well-being. To my coworkers, I went above and beyond to complete a task. Through my eyes, I’m not sure if I even did half of the job. Well… lately, the newer and less skilled workers who have only been here for two weeks are treating me as if I’m newer and more ignorant than them, when I’ve been here for nearly four years…
Realising this was supposed to help secure my identity… but it seems, it’s caused a higher level of confusion.

Though… for the people who want to pretend as if this is a sign of “weakness”, go suit yourself. Making the decision to end your existence isn’t something you decide on a whim on an afternoon and often takes weeks of planning. To continue to condescend a person at the end of their rope is childish and only seems to fuel an inflated sense of self-worth that needs to be moderated. Every human who has been born, eventually no longer lives. Prolonging this period of time does not make you inherently “stronger”, it just means you have chosen to persevere or suffer for longer. I am strong. It’s just that the fight isn’t worth the effort.