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You don’t know my social life, home life, the state of my physical health, nor my mental. And you certainly do not know the gymnastics my brain completes while actually engaging in a simple conversation with someone outside of the fixed environment of my head, even if it looks like a conversation is progressing normally in reality. Mundane jobs like a cashier position where I say the same lines at the same pitch for years on end are helpful for wasting time in the day to do anything other than self-pity. It’s not like my life or interests have exactly changed for the better or worse in recent memory. I am already essentially a robot.

Realistically, what do you say to someone who has no desire to continue to exist? That there is no objective reason that progressing would net any reasonable benefit in their eyes? I have more than enough money to have whatever fun I’d ever want to for the next few years, to build a business, or to invest with. That doesn’t really matter. The generic life path of getting an education to run a business or career, then live with someone else [presumably for the rest of my life] and have children does not appeal to me in the slightest. I don’t know why I am supposed to look forward to another 60 years of either wageslaving, taking part in one of many required manipulative practices to earn a wealthy living, or messing around and doing nothing to eventually achieve nothing of value. A year ago, I said I only wanted to be a memory. And now, I certainly would wish that my memory would be wiped from everyone I knew as soon as I go.

Just like an ant’s life is entirely irrelevant, I fail to see how losing mine would be a tragedy in the grand scheme of things. It certainly is not. There are another seven billion individuals on this Earth. If they would like to give this thing a shot, they are all free to. As for someone who actively views their daily experiences as painful and unnecessary, why torment, guilt-trip, or otherwise selfishly try to force a person into staying? It seems almost as if I was manually created with the express purpose of going against societal norms in terms of (lack of) social skill, (lack of) romantic attraction, social politics (of which COVID, the President, or economic or societal issues are not of any importance to me), and hobbies (almost all of which only partially err on the side of legality). With numerous social disorders, alongside other separate issues like misophonia which has lately caused an acute desire for deafness (even though I still exhibit a strong response to sound I generate mentally — you know, meaning that I can’t escape unless my brain is fully shut off), and the impending doom when it comes to family and home life, it is one thing if only a single or minor life event has temporarily caused a bleak outlook or self-depreciating behavior. But when this isn’t the case, and a person idly implies that there is some imaginary “temporary problem” that one is seeking a permanent solution to, they are doing nothing but uttering a meaningless phrase that does not address anyone’s behaviors and patronises the one experiencing their grief. The phrase itself is appalling. And what’s worse is when they’ll mention it’s as ‘simple as’ changing your outlook and loving yourself.

I’ve spent the last few years of my life at least trying to help others and be a positive influence. I’ve quite literally set up support groups for many topics, sending hundreds of thousands of technical support or mental support messages to random people I have never met in real life. I would rather not be bombarded with statements saying I need to help myself before I can help others.

A number of people have turned to me for relationship advice, to which I can’t help with. As far as I know, I’m probably aromantic and the entire idea of seeking and maintaining a significant other is confusing or unnecessary to me. So when people turn to me, it’s rare that I can offer actual advice that can help them outside of thinking or implying, “why are you forcing yourself to go through this?”. I cannot relate in the slightest, and I invariably feel guilty as the issue is certainly with me, not with the majority of the human race.
I don’t know why I have to be different in almost every way to people. There’s not really a difference to what other people consider their significant others to what I consider a best or close friend. A lot of relationships seem forced as well, as if having a person with the label of “significant other” is a requirement due to societal expectations. Anyone from any gender is open to a long winded hug from me alongside deep platonic discussions, and it doesn’t imply a thing about being in a relationship. I feel like a prepubescent child at twenty years old.

It isn’t like there is a single public place for people to calmly discuss the status of their self without facing ridicule, or with the person being seen as an “attention seeker”, or being told to seek “help”, while the person who uttered the useless phrase makes no effort to help the person or set them in the right direction. “If you were actually suicidal, you would be dead by now instead of wasting time, trying to seek attention and talking about it.”

A random person under the title of “therapist” who is trained specifically to look for patterns and is there solely to ‘fix’ a problem which can’t always be fixed is not helpful in the slightest. Oh! And, now you owe them hundreds of dollars for therapy sessions which solved nothing and medications which were ineffective. Aside from the side-effects, of course. I remember the last time I was on medication like this, and I couldn’t even eat a bite of any food, even if I wanted to.

Yet, on the flip side, the only person who can directly better themselves is themselves. I am not going to get another person concerned with fixing me as it is something that cannot be matched with another person’s logic. In addition, I have mutism, which intensifies with topics like these when discussed in-person. And a hotline which, as I have seen from multiple personal testimonies with people I know, is no different from talking to a random person from the side of the road. They are volunteers and it’s not a rarity to hear that they don’t know what to do for you. One testimony said that the person on the other end of the line suggested going through with it. It is time to stop pretending like a therapist or a hotline is an end-all for anyone who doesn’t see the benefits of existing. I wish we could all try to be deeper than surface-level friends, and not be scared to get personal with other people. I am a… special case in regards to that last subject. I don’t believe most people suffer from mutism.

If existing is the problem, cascaded with other issues such as physical and mental disorders, a person (who has no responsibility for anyone but themselves) should have full rights for what they do to themselves.
And while I actively would choose to be gone in a heartbeat given the choice, it’s unlikely I will be the one to pull the trigger on myself. Within the past few years, however, motivation has been non-existent, full stop. I have not had a desire to push myself and pass even a single class in college, despite going for two semesters. I have stopped going to work for the majority of the year and only came back due to guilt. I sit at home, alone, accompanied by my phone and laptop 24/7. Even if we’re both at home, the amount of times I even see any member of my family is rare and less than daily if I don’t have to go through the living room to get to work.

While I successfully did all that was in my power to finish twelve classes of high school in one semester following a car accident and coma, that was moreso an obligation to not be forced into staying at school another year. There’s rarely a logical reason to give up specifically at grade twelve unless I wanted to ensure a dreadful life. But aside from that, I have no interest in completing college, no interest in making money, no interest in pets, hobbies, learning, politics, and no real interest in anything.

But I am ending this post here. Even the people I live with are often as alien as random people I’d see on a semi-daily basis at school. I take care of them. I don’t talk to them. They don’t know much about me.

I don’t necessarily feel a need to justify my outlook on the principle that others don’t agree. I am only explaining in the hopes that others will understand why I haven’t been the same as I have been in recent years.

It would be a miracle if there were a technology that enabled people to get direct access to my thoughts as they happened. That’s the only way that anyone who isn’t me could properly evaluate the state that I am in.