weights

I developed a new method I haven’t seen documented anywhere else. I plan to use it within a month, though it will be sooner. I am not documenting this method elsewhere, including here, but it is foolproof and has less than a zero percent chance of failure. Even if someone tried to “save” me, the damage would be too large to undo in time. I’ve tried standard and partial hanging and I possess chemical poisoning agents, but this one should be more peaceful than either of them. Unconscious in seconds. And I am looking forward to non-existence.

It’s funny. I recently told my manager how I could no longer take the workflow presented to me as I currently am, and he immediately responded to “Oh, you’re burning out, then?”.
And that’s not even accurate. I burnt out last year, slightly before then, even. And I was on the edge of giving up when I reduced my work schedule to one day back in the spring. I decided to quit on the spot, with a two week’s notice, as it would be even more selfish to make the store suffer a heavy load due to my absence. I didn’t give an explanation. A manager suggested that I worked once a week instead, an offer I reluctantly accepted since I was too scared to decline it. I also needed to go to seek treatment from a neurologist for those tics / seizures.
And ever since then, I still didn’t go through with it. Since then, I’ve only been taking it minute by minute – one minute, obsessing over my social incompetencies, the next, crying over my lack of progress and the persistence of my physical and mental issues, and yet the next, cheered up by memes that I can relate to, showing me that it’s not only me. Soon after, fearing over what will happen to my family as I feel that major, negative structural changes are inevitable, regardless of if I catch the bus or not. And despite that, the turmoil that will be left behind if I do go. How selfish these desires are to my coworkers who want to be friends with me. Non-stop thoughts daily.
Continually having to face increasingly tortuous fears and your own brain plotting against you, with no favorable outcome coming out of trying to fight them away. That isn’t living. Telling your mind to “shut up” and having vocal outbursts at thoughts created by no one other than yourself, even when you’re completely alone.

“Temporary problems” is an invalid phrase if living is the permanent problem. I’m satisfied with what I’ve done until now, and am not interested in dragging this out. I don’t care to find out what could have been. I’ve noted this before. I’ve already accepted what is going to happen, and I’m not scared. I don’t have the energy to be scared.

I have little memories from 2019, but I do recall feeling as hopeless last year, as now. I recall a student approaching me, completely unprompted, telling me that he was sent to check up on me, and sliding in the sentence, “…you’re not gonna kill yourself, are you?” I don’t know why he approached me, perhaps I was more silent than usual. It was after the accident. I have no clue. But even before that, I remember… I think this is when I started to develop my somewhat nihilistic approach to life to make things easier. At that time, it was like a one-ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. True freedom; it felt like a superpower to not be held back with my head and emotions. But now, it’s back to square one.