K. Halvorsen

I want to live long enough to give everyone closure. I just don’t know if I’ll get that time. I don’t have control.

Less than 1000 hours

The closer the time comes, the more I am at peace with myself. Despite the fact that I’m still tormented by mental hell, the fact that I know it will be coming to a close precisely enough to keep me calm; in the anticipation sense, anyway. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since my last … Read More

Man, time flies

Been over a year since I started posting on this site. There are many posts on this very site that are on a private page. There are a chain of events any public user can go through to view these posts. These posts semi-privately documented the progression of my issues within the past few years. … Read More

the other side

There’s nothing waiting for me on the other side. I know this. There is no other side. It’s not going to be like endless sleep. I won’t be able to enjoy eternal peace. I won’t be, in the first place. That’s the point. That’s a tradeoff I am still happy to make. Twenty seconds of … Read More

help

There’s nothing that can satisfy me other than a bullet piercing through my brain. I need help. I don’t know how to let people help me. I need help. I don’t know how to obtain it. I need help. The help that I’m getting only fuels the self-deprecating behaviours that I’m trying to get away … Read More

So then…

I guess I can say that I’ve experienced emotional attraction, for the very first time. It’s odd. Yet simultaneously… natural. I am generally averse to romance / affection and this certainly isn’t a romantic infatuation. Attraction doesn’t need to be romantic, and I’m only now discovering this. Feeling secure and safe with a person who … Read More

Distractions

I don’t know what is happening. The reactions to certain thoughts and memories hasn’t gone away, and instead of covering my ears in a type of fight-or-flight response to psychophysical pain, it’s become physically hurting myself. It’s slapping, hitting, scratching, or clawing. Punching or throwing objects like my phone before I even recognise that the … Read More

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

It’s November, and I’m still here. I wasn’t expecting to be doing worse. I know that I’ve made the same post, but it obsessively plays in my head how many people think this is a mindset that one can think themselves out of. If you are fully aware that you are losing control of your … Read More

Tortured by myself

Impossible to describe. It doesn’t matter how much text I write on this entire site, or whatever advice a person can give me, it won’t amount to reflect the amount of torture that I experience on an hourly basis. I try to make my voice as friendly as possible and try to be just as … Read More

weights

I developed a new method I haven’t seen documented anywhere else. I plan to use it within a month, though it will be sooner. I am not documenting this method elsewhere, including here, but it is foolproof and has less than a zero percent chance of failure. Even if someone tried to “save” me, the … Read More

broken

If I come out with this to other people, that I’m just more baggage. They signed up for a friendship, not a therapy session. Unnecessary drama that they are not obligated to deal with. With the thoughts rushing about people who trying to make sure I’m safe by reason of them being friends or family, … Read More

21:07

People who get annoyed at those who can’t discuss their issues…I used to do a great job at making sure no one would even ask about me in the first place. But now my presence just annoys certain people. If I could talk about stuff in real life without stuttering, becoming mute, or wanting a … Read More

what

I still don’t understand.If I’ve never been interested in a romantic relation with another person, normally that could be considered aromantic. However, I’m only 19, that can change with time. I do find stereotypical male bodies and features aesthetically attractive, or pleasing to admire. But this doesn’t mean that I wish to be in a … Read More

bullet

I don’t know how I can be a good influence on anyone while like this. I can appreciate time spent with people but I’m not a person who has fun in the same way as others. Of course, I was the one in middle school who had nearly 100% of their friends in the upper … Read More