Sept

Time: 04:05am

I don’t speak about this often for good reason, but it’s almost impossible to go in public in general, especially at this point. I look forward to meeting coworkers at work, despite the act of talking and seeing other people mentally exhausting to the highest degree; yet if I’m alone, it’s not possible to turn my brain off. I’ve neglected to mention the topics of why and what I process during both of those times, and it doesn’t matter as it’s both fundamental and unfixable. I just don’t know how I coped back when I was described as “not being able to stop smiling” years ago, as if something changed between now and then. But even I don’t know exactly what. All of the daily things which keep us busy are the very things that confuse me. People don’t make sense to me, and neither do I to myself. I can’t describe my own emotions nor actions particularly, especially if someone is asking me on the fly. I just have a marginally better time identifying others’, even if I don’t understand why they feel that way in general. That has been slipping though, as well, which was my only redeeming quality outside of software troubleshooting and development. Spending the last few years “winging it” to see if anything would change was fruitless, spending the last few months trying to actively change was similar. Merely talking to people generally doesn’t change or help anything personally; action does. You can’t improve without taking actions to attempt to. But, while I was minimally proactive in seeking a psychiatrist, it’s not like I have the ability to converse in real time effectively between the mental block on discussing myself, the inability to identify my own actions and machinations, and a speech impediment that has been documented ever since I was a toddler. While some say they don’t hear it, all of the people who ask you to repeat a simple sentence thrice or more on end doesn’t exactly sell that feeling.
And this was only before the masks.