Distractions

I don’t know what is happening. The reactions to certain thoughts and memories hasn’t gone away, and instead of covering my ears in a type of fight-or-flight response to psychophysical pain, it’s become physically hurting myself. It’s slapping, hitting, scratching, or clawing. Punching or throwing objects like my phone before I even recognise that the device is in my hand. I can reproduce this by very specific memories, or scenarios that never actually happened.

For a singular (one) example, I told my manager that I strongly need more independent work, anything outside of customer service. I can’t even hide these reactions anymore in public, which makes it urgent that I need to find a way to stop them from happening entirely, stop working as much in the public eye, or just stop working as a whole.
Ever since then, nothing has happened. And as I get worse, I think about pleading to my manager again to switch me to a different department. And I’m very concerned that they’d only think that I just want to follow the same footsteps a coworker I get along with, only to waste time and mess around with him, or not be productive, etc – as he’s transferred to a new department in the store recently for very similar reasons. The combination of entrapment and feelings/experience that the managers will take my statements as second-hand, coupled with the knowledge of the impending breakdown followed to thoughts of my over-dramatic reactions to them all comes spiraling down into a panic. The first time I asked, the first manager didn’t even do anything with the knowledge of my plea to transfer departments, as I asked him to specifically tell the store manager the same as what I told him as soon as possible. When I went to the store manager days later, he tells me that this is the first time he hears of this.

This isn’t even actual work, this is just a entry level job that low skilled workers thrive in. You don’t even need to speak English or have two working legs to perform the job the same as anyone else.
And yet, even this overwhelms me.