“It’s not you, it’s me.”

It’s November, and I’m still here.

I wasn’t expecting to be doing worse. I know that I’ve made the same post, but it obsessively plays in my head how many people think this is a mindset that one can think themselves out of.

If you are fully aware that you are losing control of your own body, these are among the worst words to be spoken to you. I miss myself. I’ve taken the steps to redeem myself, and it’s for nothing. Repeatedly coming up for air, only to have hundred-pound weights keep you down. But then, you defy odds, and surface through sheer willpower. And just like that, you’re back at the bottom. It would be one thing if it were minor inconveniences or one-off issues, but not everything stacking on top of each other, with my unable to stop the walls from closing in. No one is responsible for me but myself, and no one knows the full story on anything I discuss, other than myself. I won’t let myself be patronised by the comments telling me that I didn’t try hard enough.

Something that comes as normal to others, yet…
I want to become friends with people. I want to allow myself to become close to them, and converse about any topic. What seems to invariably happen is me becoming mute. Going with the flow. Essentially becoming the background character of the life that I’m experiencing. They’re so close. And for a short time, they’re even open to connecting to each other. And then, I fail to act like any proper human and have them decide that it’s not worth it.

It isn’t even about needing a connection for emotional support. That rarely helps me, personally, as I judge myself exactly the same way as I will judge anyone else. If I am critically insufficient in any area, useless reassurances like “it’s going to be all right” don’t help anyone.
It’s about presenting myself to people as an approachable individual, instead of a background character who is incapable of basic social communication. And that’s one of the many tasks that I am failing.

I already have plunged deep into an inescapable pit before this year, and brought myself out of it through my own willpower. Yes, it feels like it took superhuman strength. Yes, I certainly felt superhuman after being broken from the chains that held me ever so down, and ever so deep. This isn’t comparable. Many of these issues are physical, or everlasting for my entire life. They won’t be going anywhere. The best thing I can do in these cases is mitigate them.

This isn’t the emotional side of my clamoring for non-existence. It is the logical side. To be told that any form of suicide is illogical is nonsensical in its own right. No one asked to be born. Most people born into sustainable physical circumstances often have no reason not to continue living. Forcing someone to continue to live against their will, despite them telling you that their experiences have brought suffering to them for years, or decades, is selfish. Feel free to explain in any way how it possibly isn’t.

I do not benefit from continuing to live. Inaccurately summing this down to a “rough patch” or “dark days” is unhelpful. I have been through rough days. They will eventually be over with time. No one is contesting that. As it stands, the effort all just to “survive” isn’t worth it and likely never will be.

The people who benefit from be still being around is everyone who considers me close to them. I’m pushing myself, almost shoving and forcing myself to get involved with my friends’ lives. Some people gain satisfaction or relief from discussing and venting to another human. No reason I can’t allow a person to get personal if they need it. While I’m still here, if I can’t help myself, I can at least try to help others. But of course, this loops back to this, like a cycle.

100% of people will leave at some point. There will never be a way to forego emotional outfall unless no person cares for the fallen. This is a human right. One can barely consider themselves humane if they can’t allow a person to properly, sanely evaluate all possible outcomes and come to this one at the end of their rope. It’s not about emotion. It’s not about feelings. There’s not always a simple rut. What I have experienced within recent memory is validation of everything I denied could ever happen. It’s not up to someone else to decide what another’s breaking point is. Almost reminds me of a person in a chokehold saying they “can’t breathe”, while another person thinks they’re lying, since they’re able to talk. I’m often able to appear in public without obvious signs of despair.