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I don’t know how I can be a good influence on anyone while like this. I can appreciate time spent with people but I’m not a person who has fun in the same way as others. Of course, I was the one in middle school who had nearly 100% of their friends in the upper grades and none in my own. That did change in high school, though. People just gossiping, talking about relationships, work, school, or playing games — all of which I don’t gain a sense of enjoyment from. On occasion I will play a few sets with my friends in Super Smash Bros., but I’m never the one to ask for matches. They seem to enjoy it and it doesn’t hurt me, why not? What else do I have going on in my day?
Otherwise, I’m a blank slate. It’s not been a single occasion where I sit alone and silent even while hanging out with friends outside of work or school. If we need to have a discussion, I’d strongly prefer it to be their venting to me, so I can evaluate the situation and either attempt to mitigate the situation, comfort them, or give them advice for coping. It’s productive, at least. And if it’s not that, it’s going to at least be something meaningful; talking about nothing and hanging out with people who all make the same sex jokes or meme references gets exhausting. As if I was in an echo chamber, just with different voices upon each echo. I guess this explains my silence.

I’m enjoy it when someone is comfortable enough around me to just be human. Comfortable enough to be their own character without doctoring their mode of speech, filtering their thoughts, worrying about me taking stuff the wrong way. And anyone who has been on an extensive discussion with me will know this to be true.

Back in 2018 and 2019, I had this recurring thought in the back of my mind which mentioned how all of my relationships with people I’m close with are like business relationships. Professional and strictly for sharing / producing information and work. There are other groups of people I know of. But none of us know each other. And with my mutism getting in the way, no one really knows me on an extensive level.

If the other person is fully satisfied with my company, though, then I’ll always be completely satisfied. But that doesn’t usually happen, especially if the other party senses that I’m not in the most elated state. That then seems to trickle down on them, making me feel worse for bringing the mood down. It’s only disheartening that all (not even “most”) of the issues are with me, and I’m helpless on fixing them in reality. And these are the ones I don’t feel the need mention in person. The ones which trigger my mutism. Meeting new people sucks for this reason and I’ve been pushing myself all year to at least try, to fight every thought saying that there’s no one I can naturally get along with. It’s selfish to appear that I’m interested in starting a friendly relationship with someone when I know that I can’t provide my end of the friendship. I’m not the one who usually makes the first text, and by the time a text is to be made, it’s for work or school-related reasons. Just so no one can say I haven’t tried. At the end of the day, it’s back to my room, and to being stuck in my head every day. I can’t have conversations about things outside of a very restrictive set of topics, like random stuff I’ve researched or certain games I play. Almost anything outside of that? I can only stare at you with a empty face. My personality is a blank slate – there’s no effect in coming out of a shell, when the shell is completely hollow. How many teachers have I heard say that I’m shy, or need to come out of my shell? I feel so guilty for even asking for people’s contact records, just for me to feel as if I’m within arm’s reach of them… all for me to never contact them even once, like a ghost. One call away from being there for someone. One call I’ll never bring myself to make.

I can’t even talk on the phone in the first place without making a joke of myself. I need to return a call to my neurologist, and that’s been on the back burner for almost a week. God, I wish there were a way to non-verbally schedule an appointment instead.

My head has been stuck on the idea of forcing a person to shoot me down in self defense. A cop, friend, a security guard… I’ve even romanticised the idea of catching the bus with individuals who I know. That’s not fair for them to be exposed to someone who will agree to exit the world in an instant if they even proposed the idea. They need real help. I’m only being selfish and a danger. I want to be close to people, but am so often not compatible with how people operate on a fundamental level. People largely aren’t compatible with how I operate. A astronomical number of millennials and Generation Z individuals are living with roommates. I see this as healthy for the most part, but even doing something as simple as going to someone’s house just brings out awkward tension and silence due to myself.

There’s even worse thoughts I’ve been having that I couldn’t possibly mention here… and those aren’t even remotely forgivable in any form.