the other side

There’s nothing waiting for me on the other side.

I know this.

There is no other side.

It’s not going to be like endless sleep.

I won’t be able to enjoy eternal peace.

I won’t be, in the first place.

That’s the point.

That’s a tradeoff I am still happy to make. Twenty seconds of pain before permanently becoming unaware of the very definition of pain, is better than needlessly living a fruitless lifetime full of it. Or, as least, 6+ years of it with no indication of it stopping, despite my best efforts.

I’m not living right now, anyway.

I need help.

I can’t wait.